Monday, October 29, 2012

My Mom

Ahhhhh.... such a topic is one I don't typically bring up.  Those of you who know me, or read my blogs, know that this portion of my life ain't nuffin to brag about.

But I would like to. 

And I would like to get into the habit of remembering the good stuff.  Holding onto the teachings.  Doesn't God want us to Honor thy Mother?  Ok.

Ahem... I'll give it a try.

My mother had me at 19.  YHM.  Can you imagine having a child at 19?  What I know for sure... and it ain't much.... is that there is no way I would have been able to be anything to be proud of by being a mother at 19.  I will respect and honor my mother for making the choice to bring me into this world and carry such a heavy responsibility.  Another life... nurturing, raising, influencing another life is so huge.  I am 34 years old and I have absolutely no idea if I want to take on that responsibility.  I am so proud of my mother, that she was able to carry me.  Physically and emotionally at that time.

My mother made choices.  Do I agree with most of them?  No.  Would I have made the same ones?  No.  But really?  Who am I to judge?  I am pretty sure that God gave her that life, those choices, that experience.  Not me.  I didn't have those same lessons to learn.  She did.  Do I know what it's like to have a life to take care of before you are out of your teens?  No clue.  So what I know for sure here is that I don't know anything.  And more so, I don't know anything about her experience other than she did the best that she could in all of those moments for me.  The best that she could.  Whether that was my good enough, your good enough.... doesn't matter.  It was her good enough.

When I was 3, I was so sick I almost died.  I was in the hospital for MONTHS.  My mother was 22.  She did the best she could at that time.  I think if she had known more, about life, about children, about anything, she could have prevented this.  But who am I to hold her responsible for anything other than keeping me as healthy as she knew how?

This woman taught me strength.  There isn't anyone stronger than my mother.  I know smarter people, more compassionate people....more self aware and more truthful people.  But I don't think I know a stronger woman.  Not a lot of people can go through what she did, from a child, and raise someone that turns out as intricately perfect as me.  :):):)

I bet all of us can remember a time we didn't feel worthy.  My mother spent her life this way... so in any and all of the memories I have of her making me feel like "i'm not worth it" it was only because she was depleeted.  Didn't know what else to do.

I want to tell her I forgive her.  I am better because of her.  I cannot let her close, I will never have a relationship like most people do with their mothers.  But guess what, most people are not me.  and I am OK with that.  This is my story, and she has just helped me tell it.  I am thankful for all of the depth she gave me, all of the strength she transferred, and the amazing willingness to forgive that God empowered me with.

Re-live to forgive~