Year of Magic

"Always work hard on something uncontrollably exciting."
-Google for Entrepreneurs

I just finished reading "Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes.  I find it FASCINATING that most people don't know her name.  They aren't sure who I'm speaking of when I mention that author.  She's the GODDESS of Television- Private Practice, Grey's Anatomy, SCANDAL, How to Get Away With Murder- She RULES Thursday television.  She has a hashtag #TGFT (Thank God for Thursdays).... and most people don't know her name.  She did this on purpose- more in her book.  Mostly she helped me realize that everything that makes you uncomfortable- you should do- on purpose- all the time.  Now I knew this- cognitively- but actually doing it is another ball game.

I am now reading "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert.  Now disclaimer- I'm not done... But I am amazed.  She touches on how we always have ideas, creative ideas (whatever creative is to you- it varies) and sometimes we don't act on them. Sometimes we push them down- mostly because of our old dear, curl up in a blanket, feels good, comforting friend -FEAR.  Now, I've spent a LOT of time on this subject.  I'm an EXPERT in fear.  (and insecurity- lucky ME!) I've been in multiple leadership trainings, I've listened to seminars, watched TED talks, read books on this subject and how to conquer it.  I have to say- Elizabeth does a fantastic job making this relatable to me in this book.

So much so that I am going to commit to one year of BIG MAGIC.

I feel creative all the time.  I've known since I was in college I would write a book.  I think about blogging all the time and never do it.  Make excuses.    I just quit my Project  Management job with an incredible IT company to be employee number 4 for a start up company where the world is my oyster!  I am encouraged to be autonomous, be creative, be INVENTIVE!  There are so many opportunities in my life for me to make Big Magic- I am going to commit to one year of leaning in to every opportunity I have to be creative, every idea that comes across my brain.  I've learned so much in all that I've been soaking up the last three years it's time to implement it.  It's time to watch what I've learned come to fruition- to creative LIFE.

Now let's be clear... I'm  not going to write a book this year.... but I am going to blog- because I love it.  Am I good at it?  According to WHO?  I don't care either way.  I LOVE IT.  I like to get what's in my head and heart down in words.  It makes me feel alive, legit, of value! I've submitted what has to be 7 bogs to elephantjournal.com and a human ALWAYS replies with feedback about my specific blog- that they want to publish it and I'm almost there.... and then I rollover to defeat.  They are asking me to resubmit!  They are asking me to polish and prune and I don't.  I'm scared. I'm scared after I do that, they still won't like me.  I'm scared of not being good enough.  I'm scared of being good enough.  This pattern is no longer acceptable.

I am going to create and invent every idea in my head for my new job, dive in all the way.   I am not going to let my fear hold me back from ideas and concepts that I want to bring to life.  I am going to be innovative and every time I feel that familiar grip in my chest... every time I feel that- "just forget it- it was a terrible idea anyway"- voice in my head.... I will say, "Hello old friend.  You are not going to go away, I understand that.  But you are not welcome to drive.  You can hang out- but you are not welcome here."  And plunge forward with everything I have.  I know I won't always be perfect- but such is the light of Big Magic; all of the greatness and flaws- all of it is magic.

Stay tuned for the most vulnerable Hoss you have ever seen.  I accept the challenge of looking fear in the face and saying- It's ok- It's just ME- entertaining, funny, honest, loyal, risk-taking, loving, complicated and beautiful me.

Openly and Honestly,

Hoss

Birthdaze

Today I am 37 years young. 

I typically don't like birthdays.  Actually- I've mostly HATED them.
I've made myself feel like I am "lacking" because I've never really fit the mold of "where I should be in my life" box. 

Funny how every single year that passes this gets more and more ridiculous to me.  I mean, not all those who wander are lost.....

This birthday, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  Literally.  I feel like no one is more full than I am with life. Years have become like a cracker jack prize (insert age appropriateness here)-  WHAT'S THE NEXT PRIZE?!  What's the next thing I am going to know?  What else am I doing that is stupid and wasting energy??

I feel lighter, happier, and present.  I asked myself, what are you doing differently?  What have you learned?  Here's a few bullet points for your review:

• It's all about them- not about me.  Other's reactions/moods- it's their "stuff" coming up- not mine. 
• If something is hard to do- I need to do it MORE.  The more I do it- the better I'll get at it.  If something makes me uncomfortable- I should do it twice.
• Every aspect of my life is connected.  Work.  Friends.  Relationships.  Alone time.  All of these things can compliment each other or conflict- it's up to me.
• Laughing is like a Ibprophen/Xanax/wine cocktail (not that I know...)- and available for free at any time.  No Rx required....And EVERYthing is funny.  All things have humor- even in all the stuff that isn't going as planned.
• Friendships have different definitions to different people.  AND THAT'S OK.
• I cannot change people.

• "You are enough.  You don't need another person, place or thing to make you whole.  God already did that.  Your job is to know it."- M. Angelou 
• Yoga is a great way to turn off the hamster wheel in your brain.  It also is therapy.  Call your therapist now and cancel your next appointment- go to yoga.  And then be quiet....
• I can control absolutely nothing.  No matter how hard I try.
• Love isn't heavy.

• Respect has to be earned, not forced.
• Expectations are a guaranteed pathway to disappointment.
• Altruism is a major key to happiness.  New word for me- new way of life.  Volunteering is a big one for me.  Spending time with the homeless women of the Raleigh has really been fulfilling- in so many ways.  Also LISTENING is such a huge form of altruism for those around you who need an ear.... Looking someone in the eyes when they speak- can be the biggest part of a conversation.
• Church.  Knowing that God is present in my life in everything that I do is not only comforting- but helps me feel secure.  I've finally found a church that gives me what I need spiritually.
• Family is important.  Even if you don't need them, they need you.  And they're sorry for all the bad stuff and want to give you all the good stuff- even if they don't know how.  So forgive them.  They did they best they could at the time with the tools they had.  I feel there are no exceptions to this.  (trust me- I've tried to come up with many).
• Take care of your body and it will take care of you.
• Confidence comes internally- not externally. 
• I am not a victim.  Of any circumstance.
• LET. IT. GO.  Every last bit of it.  Everyday.
• A child's laughter fills every hole, missing piece, empty space, that I feel.  A big shout out to my friends who had kids for me to benefit from their innocent youth.

Cheers to 37 years!  I will enjoy this DAY. And look forward to every additional one I get to experience.  Thank you all for your impact on my life- the good, the bad and the ugly.  All of it is helpful and all of it is grace.