Monday, October 29, 2012

My Mom

Ahhhhh.... such a topic is one I don't typically bring up.  Those of you who know me, or read my blogs, know that this portion of my life ain't nuffin to brag about.

But I would like to. 

And I would like to get into the habit of remembering the good stuff.  Holding onto the teachings.  Doesn't God want us to Honor thy Mother?  Ok.

Ahem... I'll give it a try.

My mother had me at 19.  YHM.  Can you imagine having a child at 19?  What I know for sure... and it ain't much.... is that there is no way I would have been able to be anything to be proud of by being a mother at 19.  I will respect and honor my mother for making the choice to bring me into this world and carry such a heavy responsibility.  Another life... nurturing, raising, influencing another life is so huge.  I am 34 years old and I have absolutely no idea if I want to take on that responsibility.  I am so proud of my mother, that she was able to carry me.  Physically and emotionally at that time.

My mother made choices.  Do I agree with most of them?  No.  Would I have made the same ones?  No.  But really?  Who am I to judge?  I am pretty sure that God gave her that life, those choices, that experience.  Not me.  I didn't have those same lessons to learn.  She did.  Do I know what it's like to have a life to take care of before you are out of your teens?  No clue.  So what I know for sure here is that I don't know anything.  And more so, I don't know anything about her experience other than she did the best that she could in all of those moments for me.  The best that she could.  Whether that was my good enough, your good enough.... doesn't matter.  It was her good enough.

When I was 3, I was so sick I almost died.  I was in the hospital for MONTHS.  My mother was 22.  She did the best she could at that time.  I think if she had known more, about life, about children, about anything, she could have prevented this.  But who am I to hold her responsible for anything other than keeping me as healthy as she knew how?

This woman taught me strength.  There isn't anyone stronger than my mother.  I know smarter people, more compassionate people....more self aware and more truthful people.  But I don't think I know a stronger woman.  Not a lot of people can go through what she did, from a child, and raise someone that turns out as intricately perfect as me.  :):):)

I bet all of us can remember a time we didn't feel worthy.  My mother spent her life this way... so in any and all of the memories I have of her making me feel like "i'm not worth it" it was only because she was depleeted.  Didn't know what else to do.

I want to tell her I forgive her.  I am better because of her.  I cannot let her close, I will never have a relationship like most people do with their mothers.  But guess what, most people are not me.  and I am OK with that.  This is my story, and she has just helped me tell it.  I am thankful for all of the depth she gave me, all of the strength she transferred, and the amazing willingness to forgive that God empowered me with.

Re-live to forgive~


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Things that make you go hmmmmmmm....

So if you follow my blog at all, you know I am constantly pondering, asking questions and mulling over anything and everything that life has to offer.  One question that arose such curiosity in my mind, I heard the other day.  That question was, "Who Are You?".  If you were asked this question, what would you say?

I seriously had no idea.

Not that I don't know who the hell I am, I mean damn.  I'm.... Hoss.  I know what I am, what I like, definitely what I don't like, who I like, where I live, what I do....

But I don't think that's the answer that is authentic. 

What IS the authentic answer to the question?  What is YOUR authentic answer? 

I think to begin to even wrap your arms around this kind of thing is to figure out first, who you are not.

Ok.  So I am not a liar.  First and foremost.  I am not good at hiding my emotions.  I am not fully 100% comfortable in my own skin yet.... (work in progress, 90% so far, 10% to go) I am not without spirit.  I am not ungrateful.  I am not able to stop growing and learning.... I am not able to be a surface level person. 

Step 1 down. 

So now I know some of what I am not, how do I figure out how to articulate who I am? 

I heard someones answer to be:  I am a humble, reverent servant of God.

Now at first I thought, well, I mean, I love me some Jesus, but  I don't know if I can honestly say that I give my life to him..... give my every day to him... I am human and I seem to choose that more than my spirituality.  I'd like to say I incorporate that into as much as I can.... But then I heard someone else say, "I am here to serve"

Now, I like that.  I am here to serve.  That's relatable to me.  I definitely have been here to serve.  Mostly myself.  The more I authentically serve myself, the more I gain.  The more fulfilled I am.I feel that this can be a spiritual experience and I feel closer to my God when I stay true, or serve, myself.

Alright.  So, back to basics, who am I?  Strip down the fundamentals, strip down the car, the materialistic aspect of life, the job, the clothes...

This stumps me. 

I am Jessica.  I am undeniably loyal, fundamentally complicated, authentically deep, courageous and spiritual, and I am here to serve.  Serve myself, serve those I love. 

So, if this does nothing but spark your mind to think, who are you?  In the morning, with out the clothes, without anything.  Who are you?  Who is that person looking in the mirror?  Whatever your answer is, always remember that you are the best you can be in your life at this moment, with what you have been given.  This will give you the courage to grow.

I feel like this question can continually change, conform to what you become as you live, as you experience.  Ultimately, I just feel like it's a question we should think about.  I mean damn, we think about everything else!  We should at least have a good answer when asked who we are?!?!!

Serving. Growing. Wondering,


Monday, July 23, 2012

When one door closes....

It's because your what you were supposed to learn or taught, is complete.  That person/job/event in your life has served it's purpose.  Interesting concept right?  But think about it.... Haven't you stayed in a job longer than you should have?  Remained in a relationship we know has rounded the course simply because we feel guilty, or are comfortable?  Think about how you felt when you left those things.... you always had some crucial take aways, things you "would never do again", people you met that taught you so much.... Every experience has a purpose in your life.

I have taken a bit of a hiatus from blogging.... wish it hadn't been so long.  We can call them "distractions" if you will.  But maybe they were lessons I needed to learn.

My favorite thing about this thing we call life are all the never ending lessons to learn.  Once we think we have life figured out, we get a giant curve ball thrown right through our window of complacency.

Funny though, it always has a message attached.  Sometimes it needs to be configured, but once it is, you realize that there are so many other better windows.... clearer glass.... you wonder how you actually could see out of the cloudy glass that was there before.

If you haven't heard of Iyanla Vanzant, you are missing out.  She's written several books that for sure, make you think.  Here are a few of her quotes:

It is never too late to change your mind. As soon as you realize the need to make another choice, admit it to yourself, and then do it.

You don't always have to have something to do. Don't rush. Conserve some of your resources for yourself.

There can be no change without chaos. All real, lasting change comes as a result of trembling at the foundational level of what exists.

You cannot get to where you are going until you have learned all there is to learn about where you are. Everything and everyone that is available in the place you are in right now has something to teach you or something to give you.

When people treat you badly, harshly or inappropriately and you accept it, there is an important question you must ask yourself; "Why am I still so angry with myself that I would subject myself to this kind of treatment?"

Good stuff for the mind, and the soul.

Remember these things... think about them when life is handing you something that is uncomfortable.

 It's life trying to get your attention.  Trying to show you it's time to make a change.  We are creatures of habit and change initiates concern, uncomfortable feelings..... Think back on every "unpleasant" event in your life.  Wasn't there always a lesson learned?  Didn't you always grow?  Wasn't there always something "better around the corner"?

 I am learning to accept these moments of "difficulty" as exciting times.  And remember that I have no idea what I am doing in life.  And really, neither do you.  We are all just along for the ride.... sit back and try to enjoy!  This is the only one you get....

Back to bloggin',


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Letting go...

How does one let go? 

letting go of your past relationship pain/experiences so that you can move forward.  not having someone else in a new relationship pay the price for your past.

letting go of the resentment of a really hard decision you have to make that will effect you for the rest of your life

letting go of blaming others for where you are in your life

letting go of what others "did to you"

letting go of all the moments that you want to feel sorry for yourself.

letting go of fear of the unknown so you can allow your heart to fall in complete and unconditional love while allowing someone to love you back

Do any of these sound familiar to you?  Has anyone mastered these?  What is the secret?

It almost seems like we become our own worst enemies in these situation.  It's like the old analogy, if you get kicked in the face, move away from the foot!  But in the cases above, it seems you have to risk getting kicked again in order to find authenticity, happiness, clarity...

I've talked about becoming your true authentic self in several of my blogs.  I don't know if anyone else is trying this, but it really is difficult.  The most difficult thing about letting go, and getting rid of the voices that keep you from being authentic, is self confidence.  You have to be 100% confident in every decision to do those things.  And I haven't ever met someone who is that confident.  It just doesn't exist.  We are human and we always question ourselves, and really most decisions we make. 

The art of letting go seems to have a reset button associated with it, an escape key.  We experience something, whether it's pure unforgiving heartbreak, therefore don't feel it's worth the risk to try again (never finding true love), or making a bad financial decision or professional decision, and don't trust our own judgement to make the right one next time simply repeating the pattern.  I assume to master this, with every mistake, you hit reset.  You try again.  Waiting to hit the nail on the head...

I have to say I am coming into this... I'm learning.  The best cheerleader I've found for this is myself.  I can talk myself into something, but I sure as hell can talk myself out of ANYTHING.  (see reference to own worst enemy above).

Here's the thing I've recently learned, God has a plan for us.  We have no idea what it is and quite frankly, have no control over it.  Ever heard, "God laughs while we make plans"?  Yes, we control what physical decisions we make in our lives but worrying about the inevitable is wasteful stress.  Make your decisions, want to be happy, if something feels good... just go with it.  If it doesn't work out, guess what, you didn't die last time, and you won't die this time.  However, every single experience we go through has some sort of lesson associated with it.  Think about all of the things you have personally been through in your life.  All of that really really bad stuff you push away and don't think about on a daily basis on purpose.  Those things taught you something.  You are the person you are because you went through that and you were supposed to go through those things because your soul needed to learn something.  Don't let those lessons be keeping you from being happy.  Use those lessons to mature in life, and master your compassion for others. 

I've learned a lot of damn lessons in my life, and I'm not going to lie, I'm stubborn as shit.  And I've learned every one the hard way.  I can sit and say I didn't have any guidance, no one showed me, I never knew....but ultimately I had control over every one of those decisions and how I went about making them.  But if I promise anything to myself for the next few years, it's the implement those lessons in a positive way and to stop letting those lessons weigh me down, and effect my life in a negative way. 

Seems deep?  Well, dig down.  Surface level garbage isn't going to take you to the next level....  Get to diggin'.

Shoveling away,


Monday, March 12, 2012

Get your ass out there....

Almost anyone can relate to this mess.... putting yourself out there.
Are you single?
Know anyone that's single?
Are you separated?  Divorced?
Going through a breakup?
Went through a bad breakup, now in a dry spell?  Do you see dry brush blowing by?  Cobwebs?? (I know, too far....)

It's a known fact that sitting in your house, never going out, or doing anything will in no way find you the partner of your dreams. 

If you are at home playing the nobody-likes-me-everybody-hates me game.... FAILURE.

If you are spending more time on chores then you are on play dating.... FAILURE.

Now listen, I LOATHE dating.  I'm not good at it.  Never have been. I have a big mouth, (i know, shocker...) I will ALWAYS at some point say the wrong thing.  I swear I live by the motto, open mouth insert foot.  And to be honest, I can tell in the first 30 seconds if I like you or not, if I am attracted to you.... if I feel that connection.  So yeah, it can be a waste of time.  Spending an hour getting ready for a date that you know in 30 seconds you'd rather drink a raw egg then ever make out with this person.... and boom.  It becomes a waste of a looking cute night. 

Maybe a single friend wants to speed date.... go WITH THEM.  If nothing else, it'll be the funniest night you've had in a long time. 

Everyone has some rules to live by when it comes to dating... someone told me recently that their sister would ask them, "did you box it?"  Meaning, did she take the rest of her meal home.  This meant the date basically blew.  Because she would never box a meal on a first date with a guy she had sparks with.... she said that was super tacky (what a complex she gave me!  I ALWAYS get a box.  Waste food?!  F THAT!)

But if you are single, man or woman, you need to be open when friends/family/co-workers want to "hook you up with this person they know...".  Or your wing man calls and wants to go out for happy hour (and you just had the longest day of your life), sometimes the last thing you feel like doing is going out on a Friday after a hellacious week at work, but you know what, you must get your ass out there!! 

If you don't want to share your personal life and get on a blow horn asking, "KNOW ANYONE THAT'S SINGLE?" then fine, I know Eharmony and Match would love to take your money.  I hear even Christiansingles has several mingling singles......HOOK YO'SELF UP!

If you never go out, if you never go on dates, if you never get "hooked up" you will NEVER know.  And think about it like me... use it as practice.  If I go on an actual date date, and I am not sure about the person, I consider it play time, practice for the big game.  The more nervous and shy you are, the less attractive it is.....period. Man or woman.  Blind date or not. 

If you refuse to put yourself out there, get up and get out, then do not come up to me and say you cant find someone.  Your friends will want to punch you out.  The bottom line is... you just never know.  You may go out on a blind date....and before you know it.... be the happiest you've been in a while!  Trust me, I know a friend who can relate.

Anyway, I'm just saying.....people don't marry themselves.  (although this would be amazing), dates don't just get scheduled on your calendar, and the one just doesn't come a knockin' at your door.

So cry over your heartbreak... and MOVE ON.
File your divorce.... heal... and then use HAPPY HOUR in your vocabulary as often as possible.
Mistakes are mistakes.  Learn, grow, meditate, and then FLIRT YOUR ASS OFF.

You'll be glad you did....maybe, just maybe, it'll put a smile on your face....

Game on people,


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Put down the Hot Coal....

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who gets burned." —Buddha

I would have to say I think Buddha hit the nail on the head with this one.

And I would like to say that holding onto anything really, is poison.  Anger, resentment, pain.... it's all the same.  Stems back to anger which is not a real emotion.  This is just a band aid we put over an emotion we aren't comfortable showing.

But seriously, how does one go about getting through true sharp anger?  We come across some serious life changing situations, sometimes on a daily basis, how do we decide to just not be angry?  How do we become emotionally stable enough to let go of the anger and realize that being angry, harboring resentment and continuing to dwell on the pain that a situation caused you will in no way change the situation?  More so, is simply adding poison to your body.  

Wiki has a pretty good 6 step program.

I don't think that will do it for me....

A friend recently told me they were reading a book that had the quote:  "If you don't like the way a situation is panning out, change what you can control about the situation".  GENIUS!

Now the bad news is that most of the time changing what only you can control won't change the situation much.  The good news is you are always in control of something, even if it's just how you allow a situation to make you feel, or directly effect your life.  The other piece of the good news pie here, is that it's really not that hard to just let. it. go.

Hard lesson to learn.
Easy one to repeat.

I haven't mastered this one bit.  So any additional advice is welcomed.  However, ol' Buddha got me thinkin' today about burning myself over someone else's coal.  I don't like it, you hear me?  Not one bit.....

Puttin down the coal- picking up a beer.



Friday, March 2, 2012

40% through.... and 6 Epiphanies

In one month I will be 40% through my 30's.   I've been reading what others think they've learned in their 30's and it's funny to hear the different perspectives.  There is a constant I do see throughout all I read... and it's contentment.  I thought I'd reflect and think about what I've learned in my 30's so far... brace yourselves.  It may not be clean, or pretty...

1)  I've learned that after you turn 30, and everyday that passes... you really do stop giving a shit.  I'm telling you, you could not PAY ME MONEY to go back to my 20's.  What a freaking torture decade.  I mean, the teenage years aren't coming up roses either, but at least you think you know everything and run the world.  In your 20's life starts slapping you in the face on the right, and roundhouse kicking you on the left....and you realize you don't know a damn thing!  But in your 30's... you all of the sudden don't give a shit.  About what people think, about you, your clothes, if you are different.... you stop caring about pleasing people really.  You come to the realization that pleasing others doesn't make you happy... pleasing YOURSELF makes you happy.  DUH.  How genius is that?!

2)  Being a friend is more than being available on a Sat night from 7-2am.   It's true.  You start to figure out who is really your true friend, and who isn't.  I mean, I think this is a lifelong journey, but you start to weed people out.  Figure out who is a bum, who is wasting your time, and who really contributes to your smiles and your happiness....Who would be there for you if a immediate family member passed away?  If your sibling was addicted to drugs?  If your parent was terminally ill?  If you got DIVORCED??   If you haven't had anything big happen to allow you to find out who is your homie, and who is your roll-dogg.... you will.  And I bet you'll be surprised.  The thing is, #1 comes into play here, because you just aren't friends with those people anymore.  The ah-ha moment turns into a 3 second decision and boom... you're back to not giving a shit.

3)  You realize that your purpose is not to "get somewhere", your purpose is to enjoy the ride.   Setting goals, having dreams, not settling... all of these things are required to become successful.  But the key to happiness is to simply take each and every day at a time and enjoy it.  It may not be a day that was great, or you may not be in a place you want to stay in... a period in your life you'd like to quite frankly move the fk on, but you have to enjoy every single day to be happy. 

4)  You finally are content, and actually ENJOY spending as much time alone as you can.  Remember in your teenage years and your 20's you really had to constantly be with someone, or around someone to feel happy?  When you were alone you felt like you were missing out, or not liked, or lonely.... well dammit, thank your 30's for the feeling of contentment.  I'm telling you, there ain't nothin better than kicking back on the couch in giant sweat pants, no make up, glasses on, hair up, a way-too-big glass of Cab in your hands and the DVR remote to 7 smutt TV shows you have taped for the week including your guilty pleasure Teen Mom and whatever-Housewives for the moment.  Cheers to that!!

5)  It's a roller coaster, but if you are single in your 30's, you come to a place where you realize, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.  I mean, think about it.  If you are a woman specifically, and you are single in your 30's, it looks a lot more glamorous on SITC (If you need me to type sex in the city, I feel sorry for you).  Quite frankly, it can really suck sometimes.  "Everyone" is getting married, on to having kids, may be on their second.... but then you realize, that a lot of those "everyone" are getting divorced, not happy in their marriages....Think back to the past relationships you've had.  Can you even IMAGINE marrying those people?  (we all have one we maybe could imagine... but stay with me)  They weren't meant for you.  That wasn't the right time.  You weren't the person then, that you are now.  People change... and I know I wasn't ready, and hadn't met the right people.  But you would think you had some sort of DISEASE if you are in your 30's and not married.  Someone said to me the other day, "I just don't understand why you are still single.  You are smart, you are pretty, you are funny... You have a good job, take care of yourself....."  Hmmmmmmm  Did you ever stop and think about that fact that maybe it was MY F$%#&NG DECISION?!  Jesus.  Why is it when a woman is single it's HER fault???  I'm here to tell you, if you are single in your 30's, be thankful.  God is putting you right where you are supposed to be.  And you will meet someone that'll knock-your-socks-off, and when you do, you'll be glad you waited.....

6)  You realize that making memories with those you love, is way more important than anything else in the world.  You start making more time for those who fill your soul.  You realize that you've fallen in love with your friends children, that you want to go on trips, but only with those people who are worth it... and you make time for making memories.  Memories are the keys to finding the places in our soul we don't know yet.

I don't know everything.  (like I did at 16)  But I know I'm not insecure and confused.  (like I was in my 20's)  What I know so far, are these 6 Epiphanies I've learned and I can't wait to learn more in the next 6 years of my 30's.... I am enjoying every. SINGLE. second.  :P

60% to go....


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

If you think you can't do it...... YOU MUST.

It's interesting to sit and reflect on your life every few years and think about where you've been, and where you are going.   It's definitely an interesting experience for me personally, because I could never imagine I would be where I am today.  Most of my family, not so lucky.

But I do remember thinking, KNOWING, I would never "be able to..." so many things.  I defy myself over and over again.  I think the key here is to aim higher than you ever think possible.  A friend told me that they were going to aim higher than ever so that when they settle somewhere just below, it'll be the most amazing place.  I have to agree here.

But when you think so big, it can be overwhelming.  I mean, looking 250 steps in advance, it's a little difficult to take the first step.  The thing is... every journey does begin with the first step.  How cliche'?  Yep.  and sooooooooooo true.  Because years down the road when you look back, you'll see that you've accomplished those goals, or you are well on your way.  You won't even remember taking that first, 20th or 100th step.  It'll seem like a lifetime ago. 

Fear and intimidation are the devil's way of keeping you down.  YOU HEAR ME?!  You want something, you get it.  Whether you can get it in one hour, one month, one year or a lifetime.  Because when you get "it", the reward won't be what you thought it would be... it won't be the goal.  It will surely be all the life long lessons learned along the way.  All of the people you met, who are now a part of your life forever that helped you get there.  And all of the memories you made with each step.  The "it"  you began your journey for won't even really matter anymore.  It'll be a reward of so many other gifts received.

It won't be easy, you'll have to take risks, leave people behind, face judgments and jealousy from others.... but those are the times when you'll learn the most about who you are, who is in your life, and what you deserve.

So when you hear someone say all of those cliche's that drive you up the wall, remember, every journey begins with one step.... and every single thing in life can be yours with just a little patience, a bit of optimism, and a lot of support... only of your choice though.  Always surround yourself with those you want to be like; whether it's monetarily, of the same faith, morally, or professionally. 

The path of least resistance is for sure, not always the best.  And usually the worst.

Sitting around complaining and blaming and filling the world with your negative energy is only pushing those who can benefit you and support you away the most.  It's not only wasting your time, but anyone else who is in earshot's time too.  If you put more energy into obtaining your how much faster it arrives....

Confucius for the day,


Monday, February 6, 2012


Faith.   Think about this for a second.  What does Faith mean to you?  Most of the time in society faith is used in terms of religion.  Because you can't see it, you can't touch it, but you know it's there. 
 What is the opposite of this?  I would say fear of the unknown.  So is the definition of faith really embracing the unknown?  Why does this always have to relate to religion?  I have faith in God.  He's shown me why.  I'm not here to exemplify why I feel that way, or prove to someone why that is. It's Mine.  However, I think that faith is an under-used word/emotion that we need to explain and define more.

Faith is our way of accepting the present, because we can't predict the future.

Think about faith.  You really have it in every aspect of your life.  Here are some examples:

You have faith that the job you are in will either a) get you to point B or b) maintain your life until the next chapter determines where you go. 

Don't you have faith every. single. year December 31st, that next year will be THE year?  You don't know, but you have faith that that's when everything positive that hasn't happened yet, will happen.

You have faith that you have chosen the right life partner.  The right "Life Style" if you will.  Because isn't the person you choose to be with the life style you embrace as well?  If who you love doesn't influence your life I don't know what else does more.

You use faith as a reason to explain why you're life has brought you to this "place".   I dated someone once (or twice...three times a...) :P  that said to me they thought faith was an emotion that people used as an excuse to explain all of the bad things that happened in their life.  That people who had "faith", whether it was in God/Religion, or in the exquisite phrase, "everything happens for a reason" was just a fools way to make themselves feel like they had a place in a world of unforgiving experiences. 

Let that one sink in for a second.

That one almost got me.  I thought about that for days, years really.  Until I realized that my opinion on that explanation, was that it was horseshit.  That was a cynics way of thinking themselves into such a negative state of mind, the only way they could feel better about those who were happy, "even though...." so many things had happened to them.....they really are hopelessly jealous of that feeling of contentment.  It's their only way to explain why they AREN'T. 

Ahem.  Ok.  I've gotten off track.

You have faith that when you get in the car, you'll pay attention enough, the other people on the street will pay attention enough, to keep you safe.

You have faith that tomorrow will be another day.  So even though you are mad about XYZ, you'll just deal with it tomorrow. 

You have to have faith that every decision you chose to make is the best one for you, your life or your situation.

You have faith that one day your body will just be okay with everything and will stop trying to "find all the answers".  I hate to tell you, but this is the journey folks.  Have faith, I do.  But one day you'll realize that this road you are speeding down, trying to "get through" is it.  This is it.  And those Faith-less people who hate on acceptance of experience, will wish they had a little more Faith that this is their life, and honestly, they need to take the lead role.  This was some of the most profound advice anyone's ever given me. 


So have faith.  Your faith.  In whatever it is you have faith in.  Don't look to others for acceptance or relatability of your faith.  Just know that faith is a calmness.  If you choose to share it in church, in friendships, in relationships... if you chose to identify with others through faith.... amazing.  If not, remember it's yours.  and you define it. 

Feeling a little pensive tonight... no apologies.  I have FAITH you'll either identify or relate to this in some way :)

Faithfully inspired while writing,


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

My 2012 to do list...WINNING.

In no particular order I have listed a few things that I would like to do/focus on this year.  It's not necessarily my resolutions.  That sets you up for failure.  And this my friends, is all about WINNING. Feel free to steal from this list, join in with me.... or simply create your own. 

I would like to plank more often.  I forget how amazing it can be.  I could quite possibly incorporate some sort of danger into it.... that could be the literal version of "living on the edge".

Shoot more guns.  I've always been scared of guns.  So I finally went to a shooting range... and risked shooting everyone in the place with how much I was shaking... but I did it.  I loved it.  And only practice makes courage.  One day, I'll own one.  (yes, you should be scared...HIDE YO KIDS! HIDE YO WIFE!)

I need to play in the rain more often.  I hadn't done it since I was a kid and last year when my neice was with me for the weekend, it started raining and thundering... once the thunder settled down I carried her and ran in the rain a little.  To say she LOVED it is an understatement.  She talks about it now every time she comes to see me.  Last time she said, "Jeka, I wish it was raining..."  I am making a commitment to play in the rain more often.  Makes you feel young again... and makes the young feel brave.

I am committing to focus on what I think and want and less on what others think and want.  My job is NOT to please those around me.  My job is to be happy, feel whole, and be authentic.  I am who I am, the older I get, the less I'll change.  I am willing to grow... but not so willing to please.  You want to be my friend or you don't.  You want to be close, or you don't.  You want to laugh at my hilarious jokes, or you want to judge and be offended.  I don't care.  I will participate in things that make me happy and discard the rest.  The sense of freedom I will get from this is something I anticipate greatly.  We all think we aren't in it to please other people, but we are.  We change the music when others come over to what we think they will like.  We cook food we think they will enjoy.  We change our schedules and our time to fit into what we think others will enjoy.  I feel that you can gain more respect by just being you.  If your friends want to participate, great.  If they don't, that's ok too.  Because you are truly happy and fulfilled when you are authentic

I need to challenge myself more.  Professionally, and in relationships.  I want to be sure to continue to set my goals higher than I think I'll ever achieve professionally and then watch it all fall into place.  One thing I do know, is that anything is possible.  You can have whatever you want.  You just have to fully believe that you deserve it.  In relationships, I'd like to fully, vulnerably, unconditionally love.  Sounds mushy hopeless romantic?  I know. And I am 100% ok with that.  Stop drinking that haterade and jump on the love bandwagon people.  Stop being old, crusty and lonely.  Open yo'self up to the idea.... what's the worst that can happen?


I want to continue to be spontaneous.  Last minute trips, thoughtful surprises, and not saying no to random adventures. 

I am horrible with remembering people's birthdays.  I'd like to get better at this.  Facebook is NOT an acceptable way to remember them... no time to prepare.  It makes people feel so good when you remember their day of birth.  I'll work on it.  (if I forget your birthday this year, consider it a learning experience)

I think this is enough for now.  I think this is a lot actually.  One step closer to ruling the world though.  Can't beat that....

Always Growing,