Sunday, December 25, 2016

Who do you choose?

Everyone is different.  Isn't that great?

The holidays help me to reflect on relationships- it's time to reevaluate where we are at work, in love and in friendships.  I remember a story that I was told once, "when you are pushing that wagon up hill- the wagon being your life, your success- sometimes there are rocks.  some people get too heavy to bring along with you.  so you can stay- as heavy as they are, or you can put them out of your wagon so you can keep on pushing.  keep on climbing to the degree of success you are envisioning."  This is empowerment.  This is as a choice.  This is HARD.

I grew up on hot dogs, vienna sausages and bologna sandwiches.  Sometimes we lived out of our car.  Sometimes we bounced from house to house.  There wasn't any consistency in life.  As I've aged what I've come to know as truth are my constant relationships.  Who I surround myself with.  Who helps me feel supported, shuts me down when appropriate and pushes me off the cliff when I'm scared.

I'm constantly evolving, and everyday morphing myself into my own, and who I trust to be there every time I shed my skin- changes.  I think about who I was at 11, 15, 20, 28, and now?  Don't tell anyone but I'll be 39 in 4 months.  That is utterly surreal to me.  Unless I think about my transformation into my current self and who I still strive to become.  What a journey this has been.  I am so proud of who I am versus who I was before.  I am so happy with who is in my life and who I've chosen to be my cheerleaders and confidants versus who I could have surrounded myself with.

I don't believe in making it.  I don't believe there is an end.  I believe in constant revolutionary change and growth of oneself.  My belief is that if you think there is a ceiling- you have forgotten what it's all about.  I want to surround myself with people who are stronger, smarter, and challenge me every single day.  It doesn't matter to me their age, where they come from, their religion or who they love.  Do they help me develop into the best me every single day?  Strength comes from the diversity in the room.  I like to think of that room as my life.

So how does one balance work/life/love/family?  From what I see there isn't such a thing.  You never fully balance, something is always suffering or taking the backseat.   In hindsight for me, it's all about perspective.  Are you portraying a victim, or are you grateful for what you've been given?   This is a question I ask myself everyday.  Am I pushing myself to my limit or am I leaning on my first world problems?  Pep talks and internal motivational monologues are imminent to everyday life for me.

Your relationships have to morph into your life.  For me, I've spent too much time on trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and have made unfit decisions for romantic relationships and I've yet to finalize this.  My friendships are infinitely unique and I am so incredibly lucky to have- and they continue to grow and change just like me.  I would not be where I am today without my foundation that I call my friends.  They are my lifeline.

My family is new and evolving and challenging as well as the most rewarding forgiveness I have ever experienced.  No one is perfect and I certainly cannot expect my family to be.  If I've learned anything over the past 5 years it's that my family did and continues to do the best that they can.  Past and present tense.  This is for me to realize, and stop looking at the ceiling of unobtainable perfection that ultimately doesn't exist.  This and this alone is what has made me feel full and loved and honored to be where I am in life.

Who I thought I was versus where I am now, divided by what I expect from my family and friends defines my happiness.  Except I am in charge of who I surround myself with and what I allow in my life.  When I realized this I found freedom.  Isn't everyone just trying to be the best version of themselves everyday?!  I know I am.  The hard part is remembering everyone else is too.

Holiday reflection,

Hoss <3

No comments:

Post a Comment