I hope you never have to...

Somethings been on my mind the last few days and I want to get it OUT.  That's what this is for isn't it? 

A certain person in my family has been on my mind lately.  I'm not in the business of smearing so I'll just skip over pointing fingers....calling names.  However, I miss them.  I am not sure why, as they have never participated in my life in a positive manner.  I have done nothing but give 150% of everything I have- financially, emotionally, physically.....

They are not in my life anymore and I can't imagine they will be going forward.   You know how you hear the phrase, "you can't choose your family"  I am not sure if the devil came up with that phrase or WHAT!?  But I sure wish I could.  Or I wish you could at least give them the answers to all of the questions that seem to make they go off course. 

I have finally come to terms with the fact that unconditionally loving someone sometimes comes with conditions.  Crazy right?  But a relationship, whether it is family, a friend, a significant other.... it has to be reciprocal in some way.  It can't be a one way street.  People say that blood is thicker than water, and that just because someone is your family that you OWE it to them to always be there for them.  I disagree.  And my water is thicker than my blood.  I may not have been dealt a good tree of family, but my circle of friends are my ROCK.  (shout out to my bestie and my CPC)

I've made one of the hardest decisions in life... twice so far.  I do understand that you don't choose your family, but you can choose to have them in your life or not.  I choose not.  With two people.  It doesn't mean I don't love them with every cell in my body, it just means that in order for me to be my true, full authentic self, I cannot willingly participate in a relationship with those people. 

A close friend said to me recently, "this has to be it.  you cannot continue to allow [them] to take advantage of you anymore.  you better not answer the phone next time"

The phone call came.

I ignored it.

The message was daunting and I had to make the decision to be happy instead of there for them. 

A part of me will always be missing.  And I am waiting for the inevitable phone call of defeat... but those of you with loved ones who are addicts... remember these things the next time you are beating yourself up because you can't get through to them: 

• you are responsible for nothing
• you cannot make decisions for them
• in no way can you control them or their decisions
• they are the only person who can make them happy.  not you.
• enabling will only make it worse and will eventually suck you dry
• the only way to get through the day, is to emotionally detach.  with a little guilt as possible.
• as a family member, you are not alone... anyone in your shoes feels the same way.  no matter the feeling
• never sacrifice yourself, your health and your emotions.  They don't want it nor do they appreciate it.
• ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.



Thank you to my "water" as you are thicker than my blood.  You are my rocks.  Without you.... well, I just don't want to think about it.

I hope I've given those of you who can relate the ability to take a deep breath, and the feeling of sanity..... and for those who don't have this problem, I hope you feel lucky and blessed :)

<3  Hoss